The Ballycastle Quiz!

Mouse Family Evicted!

A family of mice have been evicted from the O'Connor memorial in the Diamond. Council eviction officer, Patsy Cheesefinger spoke to lammasfair.com "It's always difficult for me to do this to people (or mice), but it wasn't me responsible for house price inflation in Ballycastle and the subsequent economic turndown. At the end of the day I have to buy beer for my children; it doesn't grow on trees you know". Representatives of the local mouse community disputed Dr. Cheesefinger's comments adding "Squeak. Squeak. Squeak. Squeak"

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Please Help a Local Wain

Adult (over 18) volunteers are required to purchase carry-outs for local wains at all off licences throughout the town. Volunteers are especially required between 8pm and 10pm on Fridays and Saturdays. Please consider giving up just one hour a week to help the town's young folk get a taste for the drink. Please note: we still require volunteers to act as surrogate ciggy purchasers.

Where Can I get a decent pint, and not have to listen to annoying Wah-Wahs?

Here's a clue :

Not all Ballycastle pubs have been infiltrated by irritating blow-ins. Whilst lammasfair.com has little or no grievance with these folk, there's nothing wrong with occasionally wanting an oul pint and not having to hear some clown in a polo shirt beside you bleating on about: (a). Rugby, (b). "Wee Toms", or (c). Their "superb meal at the Central."

Counterfeit Dulse Warning

Local Dulse Wardens are warning folk against purchasing dulse offered to them at suspiciously low prices. The rule is; If it's too good to be true it probably isn't (is). Trading standards officers reported that dulse picked and dried as far back as 2007 had been chewed, spat out, mechanically dried, and offered for resale to unsuspecting punters. Reputable dulse traders will always exchange dulse for euros, sterling and cigarettes.

 

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Caption Winner

The hilarious winning entry of our recent caption competition can be found here .

Obama visit to Ballycastle cancelled

Boo. Ballycastle Urban Council was all set to welcome Billy Obama, President of Dervock Bowling Club at a special lammas fair drinks reception at local council offices (all food and drink to be generously provided free of charge by Ballycastle ratepayers) Dr. Obama was however unable to attend as he had to take his wife shoppping in Tesco, Ballymoney.

"This fiasco would never have occured if the proposed Tesco store had not been blocked by local shopkeepers" local man William Parkmanor told lammasfair.com - No Ballycastle shopkeeper was available for comment as they were all home counting their money.

Yella Man Protects against Swiune Flu

Idependant tests have shown that in certain circumstances, yella man, the famous lammas fair confectionary may help prevent Swine Flu. A spokesman for the 'Sell More Yella Man Confederation' told lammasfair.com "We have results that show that when taken in conjuncrion with the anti-viral drug Tamiflu , the amount of Yella Man sold can increase significantly"

New John Watt cassette tape.

Singing Farmer, John Watt, and Donegal's finest, Big Tom. have finished recording their new LP in Tintown Studios, Dunloy. The name of the record is "Stranded in Campbeltown " and the (provisional) tracklisting is as follows

Side 1

1. I walked Bessie home to her room in Corrymeela.

2. She Burns about the Town in her Wee White Motor

3. Dervock's Country Queen.

Side 2

1. I Shot a wee Puffin (And I threw it in the Margy)

2. Gayus a wheena yer chips wee lad.

3. No More Will my Mince Come Frae Wyseners

(Available on audio cassette tape from PC Electrics and on download from iTunes)